Pronouns are the words we use to refer to people when we’re not talking directly to them, and they can be used instead of names in conversation. Often, they have gendered implications when we use them. Common pronouns include she/her/hers, he/him/his and they/them/theirs.

Everybody has pronouns that they like to be called by, not just trans and non-binary people.

Some people may ask to be addressed with they/them/their pronouns, instead of he/him/his or she/her/hers.

Others may believe that it is grammatically incorrect to use they/them/theirs to refer to a singular person, however this is false. We commonly use they/them/their to refer to people we can’t see or don’t personally know, and in classical literature, Geoffrey Chaucer, William Shakespeare and Jane Austen all used them/them/their pronouns to refer to singular characters.

We can’t always tell someone’s gender just by looking at them, and we know there are more genders than just “man” and “woman”. Using they/them pronouns for people as standard before you know their gender or pronouns can be a useful way to avoid using the wrong pronouns by mistake.

How do I know someone’s pronouns and gender?

If you’re not sure of a person’s gender, often you don’t really need to know.

If you are having a conversation with or about a person, it’s polite to ask for a person’s pronouns. You can ask the person privately “How would you like me to refer to you?” or “Can I just check, what pronouns do you use?”

If you do need to know their gender, for example, if they are a service user at your workplace and you need to complete a demographic form for them, then do so as you would any other sensitive piece of information about a person. It is best to ask privately, and perhaps alongside other information you need to collect, in order not to single that aspect of them out as “unusual”.

But what if I make a mistake?

Everyone makes mistakes from time to time, it’s just important that you acknowledge them and learn from them.

If you make a mistake, acknowledge it, apologise quickly, correct yourself, and move on with the conversation. Do not draw lots of attention to the mistake, and do not over-apologise, as this will often make the situation more uncomfortable.

The person you have misgendered may be annoyed or angry, but these feelings are often not directed at you personally, but the general experience of being misgendered repeatedly. Using a different name or pronouns is one of one of the few ways we can socially affirm our gender, particularly early in transition, and so it may feel particularly invalidating to have people misgender you in this way.

Do not take these feelings personally but use it as motivation to try and do better next time.

Neo-pronouns

Neo-pronouns are new pronouns created by trans, non-binary and intersex communities to speak to their particular experiences of gender. More common neo-pronouns include xe/xem/xyr, fae/faer and thon/thons.

These pronouns are used in the same way as he/she/they pronouns but may require you to think more carefully before you address someone to ensure you are using the correct words. It may also be helpful for you to practice using these pronouns correctly in private if you are struggling.

Examples:

“Xe told me that xyr dog had to go to the vet”

“I saw Alex today, and fae were wearing a cool t-shirt – I told faer that fae looked really nice!”

“Thon brought that phone thonself – if I need one I’ll borrow thon’s”

Using different pronouns in different spaces

Some people may use different pronouns depending on who they are with or the space that they are in. We might also use different pronouns for safety reasons.

For example, some people may use he/him pronouns at their work, but they/them pronouns at their community group. This could be personal preference or because they feel unsafe using gender-neutral pronouns at their work. Others may use neo-pronouns online but not in person.

Some people may use pronouns from a different language or culture than you are used to. We might use these pronouns all the time or may only use these when we are at events celebrating our heritage or culture, or with other members of our community.

Additionally, some people may only be comfortable with certain people using particular pronouns for them. For example, we might ask women to address us with she/her/hers but ask others to use xe/xem/xyr. We might prefer trans and non-binary people to use fae/faer/faerself to talk about us but ask cis people to use they/them/theirs.

As always, you should be led by the individual’s wishes, and if they tell you to use different pronouns than you are used to, you should respect this as best as you can.

Using more than one pronoun

Some people may use more than one pronoun to talk about themselves. This is commonly written as he/they, they/she, xe/she, fae/he, he/she/they or any combination of two or more pronouns.

If this is the case, you should alternate between the pronouns when you are talking about the person, unless they give you more specific instructions.

How to tell people about your pronouns

It’s good practice to state your pronouns when you introduce yourself (as long as you feel safe doing so), as it normalises asking and telling people about the language you use to refer to yourself.

If you want, you could add your pronouns to your email signature and social media pages. You could even wear a badge with your pronouns on – these are commonly available online or at events such as Pride. This is a great way to make your workplace or organisation more inclusive for trans and non-binary community members.

This guide includes information on asking about someone’s pronouns, how to support a friend if they come out as trans, and how to show your support for trans people.

It also covers what to do if you make a mistake, what to do if you have a friend or relative who keeps making jokes about trans people as well as a range of other topics.

There is no legal process that you have to follow to change your name. You can simply start using a new name, but you do need evidence of your change of name to update your official records.

The first issue of our Trans Guide will take you through all the processes and pathways to legally changing your name and gender identity.

When we use the word transgender, we are referring to an inclusive umbrella term that consists of binary trans people (trans men and trans women), as well as non-binary people and people who cross dress. 

Non-binary people feel their gender identity cannot be defined within the margins of gender binary. Instead, they understand their gender in a way that goes beyond simply identifying as either a man or woman. 

Language and Labels

Language can be really powerful in helping to affirm your identity, feel confident and sharing your authentic self with others. In many cases, the labels that we give ourselves can help us connect with others who share the same identity and integrate into a larger community. Within LGBT communities, language is incredibly diverse. Some examples of common terms relating to gender are trans, non-binary, intersex.

What’s the difference between gender, trans and non-binary?

Gender is your internal sense of self, who you feel you are whether that’s male, female or perhaps you don’t feel strongly to any particular label about gender. Gender is often linked to ideas of masculinity, femininity, stereotypes etc. Your gender can be expressed in a number of ways, some common examples include clothing, behaviour and pronouns.

If your gender is the same as you were assigned at birth, this is known as cisgender (or cis for short). If you feel your gender is different to the one you were assigned at birth you may identify as trans or non-binary. 

Trans is a really broad umbrella term. In general, it refers to anyone who isn’t cis and is inclusive of a range of identities such as trans woman and trans man. Some people who cross dress will also identify as trans.

Non-binary is used to describe people who feel their gender cannot be defined within the margins of gender binary. Instead, they understand their gender in a way that goes beyond simply identifying as either a man or woman.Some non-binary people may feel comfortable within trans communities and find this is a safe space to be with others who don’t identify as cis, but this isn’t always the case.

How else might non-binary people identify?

Because non-binary includes anyone that doesn’t fit the traditional narrative of male or female, non-binary communities are incredibly diverse. Non-binary people may identify as both male and female or neither male nor female. They may feel their gender is fluid can change and fluctuate or perhaps they permanently don’t identify with one particular gender. The range of language and labels used within non-binary communities means that non-binary has become an inclusive umbrella term. Some examples of terms commonly used by non-binary people include genderqueer, genderf*ck, neutrosis, agender, gender-fluid, bigender and third gender. This is not an exhaustive list but shows the richness of language and the many ways that you can describe your gender. 

What pronouns and titles should I use?

Pronouns are short words used to describe someone instead of using their name, for example she/her or he/him. Non-binary people may choose one of these pronouns, but they may prefer a gender-neutral pronoun such as they/them. If you are unsure about someone’s pronoun, ask them. You may want to share your pronouns as well. Titles such as Mr and Mrs indicate binary gender of male or female. Mx is a gender-neutral title that is commonly used by non-binary people. 

Are intersex people non-binary?

Intersex people are often assigned a gender at birth. This means that although they have a range of specific needs different to cis people, they may be overlooked because of their gender assigned at birth. Some intersex people may also identify as non-binary and feel that non-binary communities are safe spaces where they can feel included. However, this isn’t always the case and the term intersex is not synonymous with non-binary. 

Our Inclusion of Non-Binary People

Are LGBT Foundation services inclusive of non-binary people?

Yes! Our staff receive training around trans and non-binary inclusion and are regularly invited to update this knowledge on a quarterly basis. 

If you have any concerns about accessing our events and services, please call us on 0345 330 30 30 or email info@lgbt.foundation.

Can non-binary people attend LGBT Foundation events that are gendered?

Yes! Sometimes we provide events that are targeted specifically towards men or women in order to meet a specific need or gap within mainstream service provision. Non-binary people who see themselves as partially or sometimes identifying with either of these genders and feel they would benefit from accessing a women-centred or men-centred space are welcome to join us. 

We are committed to challenging discrimination against non-binary people and will challenge behaviour that isn’t in keeping with our values. If you have any questions or concerns abour your experience at our events, please direct them to info@lgbt.foundation.

Are there exclusive events for trans and non-binary people? 

Some of our events are for trans and non-binary people specifically, such as our regular community event, TransMCR. All non-binary people are welcome. We regularly provide non-binary specific spaces within these events, and non-binary people are involved with organising and running these spaces. We want to ensure that non-binary people feel included and represented in the events we offer. If you have any questions please email trans@lgbt.foundation.

Put simply, sexual orientation and trans status monitoring is asking people about their sexual orientation, trans status and gender identity and recording this information. This can be for a variety of reasons, but, in all cases, it needs to be done with sensitivity and compassion. 

When monitoring sexual orientation and trans status, it is important to ask questions in the right way so that communities understand how to answer in a way that ensures accurate and robust data is collected. When done appropriately, monitoring can demonstrate that services are culturally competent and can help LGBTQ+ people feel included.

WHY IS SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND TRANS STATUS MONITORING IMPORTANT? 

LGBTQ+ communities are likelier to face higher rates of health and social inequalities, as well as greater discrimination and marginalisation. 

All research and services should be taking proactive steps to improve LGBTQ+ experiences. Monitoring sexual orientation and trans status is essential to understand the specific needs of LGBTQ+ communities and recognise the ways in which their experiences need to be improved. 

TRANS STATUS MONITORING

There is currently no national trans status monitoring information standard, although there is ongoing work to develop a standardised approach and to update IT systems so that trans status can be properly recorded. However, this should not hold services back; there are ways to effectively monitor without an information standard. 

Trans status monitoring is becoming more prominent and LGBT organisations such as LGBT Foundation and Brighton and Hove Switchboard have supported services to implement trans status monitoring effectively. 

Services which have implemented trans status monitoring usually gain consent from the individual to place a note on their medical record to say that they are trans and/or to say that their gender identity is something other than male or female. 

A 2017 primary care patient experience survey conducted by LGBT Foundation found that LGBT people who shared their sexual orientation with their GP were 21.4% more likely to feel their GP met their health needs than those who did not. Trans people who shared their trans status with their GP were 62.1% more likely to feel their GP met their health needs than those who did not.